Insert Obligatory Physics Joke Here R2
by Chris7221
Summary: Revived, revised, and reworked for 2017 with DNA from Emergence, Extinction, and other top-tier fics. Four internet friends end up in the weird and wonderful world of Mass Effect. Follow a bad engineer, a pretentious musician, a former soldier, and Sandra as they join Shepard on her mission to save the galaxy. There'll be swords! You'll like it!
1. Prolog

It's back.

Well, back to FFn, anyway. I've already brought it back to Spacebattles, but I'll probably rework that version to match this one.

AKA "Chris tries to write a self-insert, attempt 5 or 6". For some reason, I've never been able to really pull it off. Technically, this isn't a real self-insert either, because it's a parody built on composite characters.

Now with 50% more Emergence DNA. I'm going to try to avoid the dumber jokes this time around... no I won't. I'm not sure how far I'm going to go with this or how much it will diverge from the original. I'll probably put out a dozen chapters or so, or until I run out of the original story. But we'll see.

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Prologue**

 **July 21, 200x  
Teh Interwebs**

Skype signed in. 420 unread messages that you probably have either seen or don't care about and can't easily get rid of. Online: RaqVet25, SublimeVirtuoso, Ultra_Elite_Engineer.

Now hijacking your volume control, eating up your CPU cycles and stealing all your network bandwidth. All previously sent files, even ones weeks old, have been locked for your inconvenience.

You have no choice. Facebook Messenger doesn't have an app yet, and Discord won't be released for another decade or so. Slack? Hah! Tiny Speck still thinks Glitch is going to be a big hit.

 _Sandra3124: BOO!  
SublimeVirtuoso: ahhh!  
RaqVet25: IT'S BASRA ALL OVER AGAIN! WE NEED EVAC! EVAC GOD DAMN IT!  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: wut_

I guess I should introduce myself. Hi, I'm Sandra. I have dogs.

 _Ultra_Elite_Engineer: I'm trying to do alculus+c, but I don't know how to algebra  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: It's not going too well._

Ultra_Elite_Engineer is Kevin. He's an engineer-in-training. He's a really awesome guy (ew, not that way) that lives on the other side of the continent and he's gonna build really awesome stuff some day.

 _SublimeVirtuoso: Oh, just writing a song, do you want to hear it?  
SublimeVirtuoso: What am I talking about, of course you do.  
SublimeVirtuoso: It's a metaphor for colours, painting a picture with brass and violins and glocks.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Glockenspiel? I thought you hated those things.  
SublimeVirtuoso: No, glocks, like the guns. I decided to take inspiration from Tchaikovsky and utilize firearms to expand the musical landscape._

SublimeVirtuoso is the creative one of our little internet group, if you call it that. He's British. We're internet friends that got together over RPGs one day and kind of stuck together ever since. It may not be a super exciting backstory, but that's how it happened.

 _RaqVet25: jesus christ, could it get any gayer in here? you're such a fag  
Sandra3124: HOMOPHOBE!  
RaqVet25: im not a homophobe, I'm just crude  
RaqVet25: look, I have nothing against gays, but in the corps thats how you talk  
Sandra3124: you're being homophobic.  
SublimeVirtuoso: Definitely homophobic.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: I don't think homophobic is the right word, but definitely anti-homosexual.  
RaqVet25: cut me some fucking slack, I fought for your freedom  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Iraq was a war of terror, not a war on terror.  
RaqVet25: Blair disagrees.  
SublimeVirtuoso: Nobody actually likes Blair over here._

Everything you need to know about RaqVet25 is in his username. He's 25 years old, probably a big tough handsome guy, and served a tour in Iraq. He doesn't talk about that much, but sometimes he's kind of weird. But he's a really cool guy if you get to know him.

 _Sandra3124: Anyway, I wanted to ask you guys a question.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Yup?  
RaqVet25: ?  
Sandra3124: You know those chain mails-  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Those are still a thing?  
RaqVet25: OH FUCK NO!  
Sandra3124: Oh fuck yes!  
Sandra3124: One of my buddies on DA sent me this chainmail. If we all wish exactly the same thing at exactly the same time, it will come true at 11:11 tonight. Today being 11-11-11 of course, which is the Skyrim launch and also some kind of war memorial day in countries that aren't ours.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: It's Remembrance Day, you ignorant bitch.  
SublimeVirtuoso: yeah, that's actually like, super offensive  
SublimeVirtuoso: it's a very important day for British people  
SublimeVirtuoso: it's when we honour the sacrifice of those who fought and died for us  
RaqVet25: What's DA?  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: which timezone  
SublimeVirtuoso: Probably Nigerian time.  
Sandra3124: West African Time, I checked_

No response for like 5 minutes. I pushed a bit.

 _Sandra3124: I was wondering if you wanted to try it out. It probably won't work, but...  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: but?  
Sandra3124: hehe I made you say but  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: wat  
Sandra3124: moving on then! we trying  
SublimeVirtuoso: We can try it out, and what's with the sudden drop in grammatical prowess?  
Sandra3124: dunno  
SublimeVirtuoso: What do we wish for? An orange?  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: i want a million dollars  
RaqVet25: I wish my PTSD would go away...  
Sandra3124: absolutely not! It's only good for one wish! It's gotta be something good!  
Sandra3124: not to mention it has to be a wish to be in Mass Effect, or this chapter would be a giant waste of space  
Sandra3124: we did agree to rip off tmw right guys?  
SublimeVirtuoso: I thought we were doing Mass Vexations and that weird British one..._

After that comes the internet version of an awkward pause. I drum my fingers against the table impatiently.

 _SublimeVirtuoso: If we do this  
SublimeVirtuoso: We should wish to be in Mass Effect 2  
RaqVet25: why 2?  
SublimeVirtuoso: because I haven't played one  
RaqVet25: fair enough  
SublimeVirtuoso: wait, did it work for your friend?  
Sandra3124: Yeah, she wished for a red sports car, and one showed up in her driveway the next day. It was in her LiveJournal!  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: which fucking year is it again?  
SublimeVirtuoso: there are so many things wrong with that  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Can't we at least wish for something normal... like money?  
SublimeVirtuoso: Nope, gotta be ME2.  
RaqVet25: Why? Why a self-insert?  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: is being in a self-insert even a good idea?  
SublimeVirtuoso: At sober second thought, this may not be a good plan.  
Sandra3124: No arguing, it makes us look bad._

I check the clock. It's almost time. We've got to hurry!

 _Sandra3124: Guys, we've got to do this now or never!  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Shouldn't we set parameters?  
Sandra3124: No time! Everyone ready?  
SublimeVirtuoso: As ready as ever.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: i guess  
RaqVet25: Cleared hot!  
Sandra3124: 1234go!_

 **Chris7221 Presents**

 **Super Awesome Self Insert**

 **Part One: Insert Obligatory Physics Joke Here**


	2. Arrival At Normandy

First off, I'd like to apologize for not updating this in forever. I'm going to bring this up to where the Spacebattles version is at, and a new chapter should be out by the end of the week.

I expect things to diverge more as the story goes on. If it gets that far.

* * *

 **Chapter 2: Arrival at Normandy**

 _Sandra_

I wasn't sure what happened. One moment I was on my computer, the next I was... somewhere else. The walls were shiny grey (silver?), and it was stacked with crates and boxes. It looked familiar- the Normandy! It had to be.

Elated, I stood up and shouted at the top of my lungs, "IT WORKED! IT WORKED! I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY DID SOMETHING THAT WORKED!"

Hey, it was an accomplishment. On my birthday, I bought a bunch of lottery tickets, because it was my lucky day. I didn't even win a free play and I had to eat nothing but noodles for the next month! It wasn't fun.

"I am detecting a lame reference in the cargo bay," a slightly synthetic female voice announced. EDI. "Flooding the cargo bay with a deadly neurotoxin. Error- morality core has blocked access. Attempting to reroute. Dispatching security."

"Did someone merge EDI with GLaDOS?" a familiar voice joked. I turned to my right, and there was Kevin, aka Ultra_Elite_Engineer. He was dressed in one of those futuristic colonist outfits that didn't look very futuristic at all, an ugly brown color really.

"I am detecting _another_ lame reference in the cargo bay." She sighed. Oh my God, did EDI just sigh? "But I guess that one was my fault."

Other than that, he looked mostly the same. Brown hair that came down and covered his ears, similar colored eyes and scruffy beard. He adjusted his glasses and blinked a few times before asking, "Where's everybody else?"

"Oh, bloody hell," said a British accented voice. A man in a normal and not futuristic outfit stumbled out from between a pair of crates, pulling a duffel bag and instrument case behind him. This was actually the first time I'd seen Aleks, or SublimeVirtuoso, in the flesh. He looked decidedly more normal and less British than I imagined.

"Fuck me," a deeper voice, this one not British. That was Jason, aka RaqVeteran25. He was in full military gear with a gun and one of those tactical vests and stuff. "God fucking damn it."

A door on the far side of the cargo bay opened, revealing two humans in armor and carrying assault rifles that I'd never seen in the game. Security. They pointed their guns right at us, which was pretty scary since I'd never had a gun pointed at me before.

A third figure emerged from between them. She had short red hair and dark brown eyes- a combination I'd never used. There was a scar running down her face, but it actually made her look more beautiful. Though her uniform was hardly flattering, she was slim, feminine, and pretty. Was it really her? The great Commander Shepard? In the flesh?

"Is that-" I squeak out.

Jason shakes his head, peeking out from behind a metal crate. He doesn't have his gun. "Nah, that's not the Commander."

A different woman, with the same hair (but dirtier) and eye color (but more intense) but taller and more muscular with a much uglier scar, followed behind her. She was decidedly less pretty. The slimmer woman turned and saluted, and the larger woman saluted back before saying, "At ease, marine."

" _That's_ the Commander."

I manage to squee before I black out.

* * *

 _Kevin_

"This can't be happening." Oh shit, we're actually here. On the Normandy! In Mass Effect!

"Can it," Jason snapped.

"This can't be happening!" Everyone is gone! We're headed toward certain death! The Reapers are coming! I left the bread in the oven! "We're _fucked_!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Jason screamed at me.

"Hey!" Shepard called, stepping down into the cargo bay. "Who are you and what are you doing on my ship."

I forced myself to speak up and try to sound as professional as possible. Come on, Kevin. You can do this. Just like in those other, less ambitious self inserts. "Commander Shepard. We heard you're taking on the Collectors, and we want in... umm, if your buddies lower the guns, can we talk privately in your private quarters? You know, the one with the fish tank and the collectable ship display."

She just looks at me like I'm insane. "Excuse me? Collectors?"

I get a second look at her uniform. Blue. Alliance. So are the Marines. "Shit, this is Mass Effect 1, isn't it?"

"Could be 3, couldn't it?" Jason asked.

"No, if it was 3 she would know about the Collectors," Aleks told us, untangling himself from his instrument case.

I asked, "Hey, what year is it?"

Before Shepard could stop her, the pretty woman replied, "2183"

"Yeah, this is Mass Effect 1."

"I'm sorry, what the hell are you talking about?" Shepard asked. "You better stop explaining yourselves before I throw you in the brig."

I couldn't stop myself from pointing out her error. "You mean start."

She raised her gun a fraction of a centimeter. "No, I mean stop. You're really digging yourself deeper here."

"No, no, no, you answer my question first," Aleks said forcefully. Did he not notice the guns? "If this is the SR-1, what's with that psychotic AI?"

"AI? That's just Joker and his stupid voice changer," the chatty woman added before covering her mouth, embarrassed.

"Hey, you gotta admit, it's pretty funny," the female AI voice which was actually Joker said over the intercom.

"Joker, turn that thing off," Shepard snapped.

Another sigh. "Aye, Commander."

* * *

 _Aleksandr_

This was getting very peculiar very quickly.

"I want answers, now!" Shepard demanded. "This is a military vessel, highly secured. How did you get aboard?"

Oh, shit. See, we didn't have time to come up with a cover story. We're going to have to improvise.

Actually, seeing as none of my mates are saying anything, I'm going to have to improvise.

"Well, there's this song, it's called Vexations, and it's known to cause hallucinations and even death to people who play it. I started playing it, and, well, the next thing I knew I was here."

I trailed off as Shepard started laughing. A strong, bright laugh. Genuine amusement. Laughing _at_ us. Laughing at _me_. "Seriously? That's the best you could come up with? Perfect op, and that's the cover story you've got?"

"Just tell her the truth," Jason advised me, trying to give me another opening I suppose.

I took a deep breath. "Look, I don't know how we got here, okay? We just went to sleep in a not so nice place, next thing we knew we were here."

A pregnant pause. "Bullshit."

I'm going to need to break out the big guns. It's a bad cliche but at that point I was much to disoriented to conceive a good metaphor. See, in any self-insert, the characters use information they shouldn't know to gain an opening. Then they at least have an _in_ , and can talk with Shepard at some level of equality. If they do it right then they can actually pass themselves off as oracles or such.

"Shepard, I know things. We know things. Believe it or not we can help you."

She folded her arms. "Start talking."

There's a problem with this plan. We thought we were going into Mass Effect 2, and this is Mass Effect 1... and I know nothing about this Shepard. We have no predictable entry, no plan, no parameters, no known information other than what is common between all runs of Mass Effect. And even that is of limited use because we do not know where or when we are.

"Mate, help me out here," I whispered to Jason.

He shrugged. "I got nothing."

"Kevin?"

"Bitch ass shit fuck damn!" the engineer stammered. It seemed that at some point he had lost all ability to function as a human being. "Son of a motherfucking cuntbitch!"

I couldn't help but gasp at his display of obscenity. "Whoa."

"Is he okay?" Shepard asked. "I can make him shut up."

"Commander!" the other woman protested.

"What, I'm just kidding!" Shepard told her. She turned to us. "Although if I don't hear some answers, I will throw all of you in the metaphorical brig."

"Why metaphorical?" Jason asked.

"This ship doesn't actually have a brig," the other woman told him.

So, we didn't know much at all, or at least those of us that are useful don't. The talkative lady, however, probably knows all kinds of things about life, the universe and everything. I called out to her, "Hey, redhead who's not Commander Shepard!"

She perked up. "Yeah?"

"Where was Shepard born?"

"Oh, that's easy, she was born on Mindoir. Then she lost her family to slavers before she joined the Alliance." She covered her mouth. "Sorry!"

"Commander Shepard! You were born on Mindoir, and joined the Alliance after slavers killed your entire family."

She started chewing her lip. "Keep talking."

I turned to the smaller of the two redheads. "Did Shepard do something very significant during her career? Say, on Akuze or Elysium."

"Yes, she was the sole survivor on Akuze. You've heard the story?"

"You were the sole survivor on Akuze," Jason shouted, starting to figure out what I was doing.

"I'll admit, that's pretty good," Shepard evaluated. "Clearly you know a lot about me. But what about the current mission?"

Great, we know that Shepard flies somewhere down the middle when it comes to morality. And she seems

My friends were catching on. Kevin had managed to snap out of his streak of profanity and posed the question, "Are we headed to Eden Prime or the Citadel?"

"We're on our way to the Citadel from Eden Prime," the helpful woman answered before covering her mouth. "Eep! Sorry."

"You just came from Eden Prime," Kevin shouted. "Saren was there with the geth. He used the Prothean beacon, then you used the Prothean beacon, then it blew up."

"Keep going..." Shepard said. Clearly she was starting to be convinced.

"Hey, talkative lady!" Jason called. "Did we lose anybody on Eden Prime?"

"Nihlus was shot in the head and Jenkins was shredded by drones. I had to help move the bodies. It was awful."

"And did we pick anybody up?"

"A Gunnery Chief Williams, last survivor of her unit. Really awful when that happens." The talkative lady suppressed a shudder.

Jason mulled it over for a moment, then shouted, "Commander Shepard, Nihlus was shot in the back of the head on Eden Prime by someone he trusted, and you lost Jenkins to drone fire. Chief Williams lost her unit and you picked her up."

I conclude, "See, Commander? We're like, oracles. We just know things. And we can tell things about the future, too."

Shepard pinched her nose. "You've told me literally one thing my sister didn't tell you. Did you really think that was going to work?"

Biting back a surge of fear, I answered meekly almost as a question, "It worked the first time around?"

Her answer was an understandably incredulous "Really?"

"Look, this is the most boring part of the whole adventure," I protested. "You just need to believe us so we can get moving already."

She didn't go for it. "What is this, a shitty self-insert?"

I could only answer, "Maybe?"

"Why couldn't we have gone somewhere nice, like Beacon?" Kevin protested quietly.

Beacon... beacon. That's it! "There's one more thing. When you used the beacon, it gave you visions of death, destruction, and doom. Because the beacon malfunctioned, they're malformed and confusing. We know what that stuff means. We can help you understand it."

Shepard lowered her rifle slowly. "Okay. I'm going to trust you blindly and completely even though this is probably the weirdest and most suspicious thing I've ever seen, and _I've seen some shit_."

"Really?"

She raised her rifle again. "Fuck no!"

I threw my hands up in the air. "Oh, come on!"

"Relax, I'm just screwing with you, this has dragged on long enough already." She laughed and lowered the rifle again. "Come on, the cargo bay's cold and stuffy. There's still some cake in the fridge, and Kaidan just put on a fresh pot of coffee. We can talk over lunch. I'm Jane, by the way."

"I'm Kevin Georgeas."

"Lance Corporal Jason Hernandez, USMC, retired."

"Sandra McCarthy," Sandra muttered as the two guards began dragging her across the floor.

"Aleksandr, but everyone just calls me Aleks," I replied numbly, following her up the steps.


	3. The Unreveal

The awkward chapter numbering is a carryover from the previous version. I could add another chapter, renumber _every chapter_ , or just leave it. I chose to just leave it.

* * *

 **3: The Unreveal**

 _ **Jason**_

Shepard leads us into the elevator, and it's tense in there. Damn, these elevators are slow.

 _Extremely slow. Definitely does not meet any human standards._

That's a new voice. I shout at the voice inside my head. "Who the fuck are you?"

It's the tall redhead who answers. "I'm Commander Jane Shepard. This is my sister, Melia. That's Lieutenant Shepard to you."

"We need a plan," I whisper to Kevin. He nods in response.

"We need to come up with a cover story," he replies, leaning in.

"Something good, like maybe-" Aleksandr begins before he gets cut off.

The talkative lady who is apparently Shepard's sister (would that make her a mini-Shepard?) leans in. "What are you talking about?"

I immediately rattle off the most offensive thing I can. "How to fuck your CO's wife's brains out without getting court-martialed for it."

"Sounds interesting."

"Yeah, it's not exactly girl talk-" Then I realize what she said and that she sounded genuinely _interested_. "What?"

"Lots of women like other women. Sometimes women they shouldn't. I mean, the Navy doesn't like talking about it, but it happens." I wouldn't say lots. Damn dykes.

 _Oh, don't be such a bigot. These people have advanced beyond the archaic norms of your time._

"Do you?" I ask harshly.

She bats her eyelashes. "I'll never tell."

I'm not sure if she's flirting with me or fucking with me.

The elevator dings, the doors open, and we head out into the crew deck. I grab Aleksandr's arm and tell him, "Follow my lead."

 _It's not like_ I _have much of a choice._

* * *

 _ **Aleksandr**_

I seemed to remember the SR-1 being, well, not smaller, but having a lot more empty space.

The first and most immediate change I noticed was that the elevator faced the opposite direction it did in the game, toward the back of the ship. The wall is made from the same dark silvery-grey metally-plasticky stuff, but there are two doors just like the ones in the game on the wall. I still have no idea where they go. On each side is a staircase going up to the top floor, but they are not curved at all and very steep.

We followed Shepard around the front, and there was scarcely any space to move. A pair of small tables with two rows of chairs each were in front of the elevator, with some kind of food dispenser along with a sink and small preparation area right up against it. There were doors on each side of the narrow space, and three forward. I assumed that those went to the medical bay, sleep pods, and captain's cabin, though I of course could not tell.

Also, it seemed to me that the ceiling was lower. And I did not remember those lockers on the wall being there. Or all the junk on the ceiling.

Shepard motioned us to the table, and we sit down in the horrid chairs. They're so uncomfortable, tiny and cold and metally. Seriously, my arse is sore within seconds of sitting down. I'm sandwiched between Kevin and Jason, with Sandra deposited on the seat to Kevin's left. Shepard and her sister (is that really her sister?) were sitting across from us.

"Hey Shepard, I gotta hit the head," Jason called casually.

Shepard responded without even thinking. "Portside bulkhead, bow hatch. Turn aft."

"Got it," Jason replied, standing up and making his way over to the left wall and going through the forwardmost door. Frankly I didn't understand how he could understand that and I'm not sure what it even meant.

"I'm, uh, following him," Kevin said awkwardly, standing up and doing so. "We've got to, uh, do bathroom stuff together."

"Hey, I won't judge," Shepard replied. "I have lots of friends that live an alternative lifestyle."

She turned to me. "So... nice weather we've been having."

I began to reply to her forced attempt at conversation, than stopped when the blatantly obvious hit me. "We're on a ship."

She blinked. "Oh, right."

A moment of awkward silence, then a pause. She twiddled her fingers. The great Commander Shepard can't talk? "So, uh, do you go to school?"

"Yeah, I'm in Lon- high school." Got to be careful, my school might not even exist in the future. The fewer specifics, the better.

"What do you do in high school. Do you, uh, learn stuff? Math? Is that a thing still?" She turned to her sister. "Did they still teach math when you went to school?"

She sighed audibly. "Yes. I think they've been doing that for centuries and will probably keep doing that for centuries."

Shepard turned back to me. "You did math. That's good."

I nearly facepalmed. "Yes."

"Maybe you should let me handle this, sis," the younger Shepard advised.

"No time," Jason said sharply, coming up behind and literally yanking me out of my seat. "Aleks has to take a shit. Come on blue falcon, move your ass."

"What does blue falcon mean?" I asked as the door shut behind us. Wow, that's a futuristic bathroom. Also, it was tiny. Barely bigger than mine but designed for much more people. The urinals were right next to each other; two guys doing their business would be uncomfortably close. There were three sinks and two showers along one wall, and a pair of toilet stalls crammed in beside the urinals.

And yet even in the future the place smelled like piss and chemicals.

"Buddy fucker," Jason replied nonchalantly. "I say follow my lead, not bullshit with Jenny and her juliet-bravo sister."

"JB? What does that mean?" Kevin paused, realization passing through his eyes. "Oh, _jailbait_. Why didn't you just say so?"

"She's at least seventeen," I replied. Actually, probably in her twenties, given Shepard's age. I can understand the confusion, though. She looks no older than me- I guess people look younger in the future.

"Still technically a child soldier, illegal to kill under the Geneva Conventions, and thus jailbait." I couldn't look it up at the time, but I seriously doubted that was correct.

I corrected Jason. "Uh, that's not what jailbait means. And I don't think that's correct."

"Jailbait means too young. Kill, fuck, what's the difference? We all get fucked and killed in the end." I wasn't sure if he was being humorous or philosophical. I'm not sure if there's a difference with soldiers, really.

"Where's Sandra?" Kevin asked.

We share a look, and there's another awkward silence before Jason waves his hand dismissively. "Fuck Sandra. We don't need her."

"I suppose," I replied. "All right, let's plan this. We need backgrounds, identities. One for each of us."

"Jason Thompson," Jason proposed. "Former Alliance Marine, did some mercenary work before semi-retiring to Eden Prime. Have some issues, got fucked up on, let's say Elysium."

"That was a shitty movie," Kevin pointed out.

"What?" Jason asked, confused.

"Elysium. It was a shitty movie." Seeing our odd looks, Kevin continued. "All right, Kevin Landon Johnson. Keep it simple. I'm an engineering student at Citadel University."

"Perfect," I replied. "All right, my turn. I'm Aleksandr Petrov-"

Jason cut me off, pointing out, "You're not Russian. You're a goddamn Englishman."

"So? This is the future. People don't have consistent accents here. I can be from wherever I bloody well want to. Anyway, I'm a professional composer and orchestrator person and have been hailed as the next Tchaikovsky. Oh and I'm also a world-class painter."

"Orchestrator person?" Jason questioned. "You're a musician and you don't know what that's called?"

"Don't you think that's a bit much?" Kevin asked.

"Well, I like to inflate my ego a bit, both me and Petrov," I replied.

"What about Sandra? She needs an identity," Jason said.

"Well, we'll have to make one up for her," I replied, adjusting my glasses, which had decided that now would be a good time to slip down my nose. "She's American, so she can be from Boston Illinois, the Big Apple."

Kevin pointed out, "Okay, I'm from Kelowna and I know that's wrong."

I retorted, "Who fucking cares? She's dense as a rock, this kind of confusion happens."

"And a bit fat," Kevin pointed out.

"And a bit fat," I agreed. "Let's say she works as a waitress in one of those places where the waitresses take their clothes off."

Kevin sighed. "Why?"

"Okay, yeah, that's a little harsh?" I pointed out. "You know what, why don't we just go with NEET?"

"What?"

"Not in Education, Employment, or Training." I explained. "Basically like your idea of a mom's basement type."

"Yeah, that'll work." Jason nodded. "Alright, how did we get here?"

"Drugs," Kevin immediately suggested.

"Drugs?" I asked, skeptical.

"Yes. Like The Hangover. We took some bad Hallex, passed out, and woke up in the cargo bay."

"Okay," I replied, satisfied.

"This is good. Where were we taking bad Hallex?" Jason asked.

I pondered it for a moment before shouting, "Eden Prime. Constant, the capital of Eden Prime. We were partying, having a hell of a time, and we stumbled onto the ship while it was on the planet."

"That's good, that's good," Kevin concurred. "Except that by the time the Normandy got there the place was on fire."

"Damn it."

"Fuck me."

"Bloody hell."

We sat there pondering in silence for what must have been at least an hour.

"Ah, fuck it, we don't have to get every minor detail," Jason finally dismissed. "We were drunk and stoned."

"Right, that will explain any of the inconsistencies," I repeated. "All right, we got this?"

"We got this."

* * *

 _ **Sandra**_

"So, Broshep?"

"Yeah." I shrug. I've never really been a fan. I mean, yeah, he's a hunk, but Meer's voice acting is SOOOOO BAD. "I prefer Femshep, mostly for the voice acting. Jennifer Hale is _amazing_."

"Femshep," Jane repeats, swirling the word in her mouth.

"You, in a-"

A simultaneous choir of three familiar voices cuts me off. "What in the actual _fuck_?"

"Oh, I was just telling Jane and Melia about ourselves-"

"Are you fucking mad?" Aleksandr screams at me. His face was turning beet red. "We had a lovely plan put together. A flawless cover story. And then we finish up, come out here, and you're telling Shepard that we're from the real world and this is a video game?"

"She might not have said all of that," Kevin points out. "But you just did, so it doesn't matter now anyway."

"Well, there are self-inserts where people do that," I point out. Like, uh, I don't know any off the top of my head right now, actually.

"Not very many! Think about it. Nobody's going to believe you! And at least most of them have the common decency to at least wait a bit and not reveal everything within the first hour of the first bloody game!"

"I'm sorry!" I reply. Don't cry, Sandra. Hold the tears back.

"All right, we need to contain this fucking gagglefuck right the fuck now," Jason says angrily. "Sandra, exactly what the hell did you tell her?"

"I told her who we are." Here come the tears. I'm turning into a wreck. Damn it! This always happens! "Jason, the soldier who was wounded in Afghanistan-"

"Okay, hold up," Jason interrupts. "First, I'm a Marine, not a soldier. A soldier is an asshole who gets all the nice equipment and still can't accomplish shit. Second, I was wounded in _Iraq_. _Simon_ was wounded in Afghanistan."

I continue. "Kevin, the electronic engineer."

He clears his throat. "Actually, I'm in mechanical engineering now, and I'm not legally allowed to call myself an engineer until I'm certified by APEGBC."

I glare at him and continue. "Aleksandr, British composer and musician."

"And artist and writer," he adds. "Really I do a bit of everything. Creating and all that."

"Finally, Sandra McCarthy, sole proprietor of New York's finest restaurant, the Le Fancie and multimillionaire." I finish.

Kevin winces. "What? You're some waitress at some shitty restaurant. You live in rural Massachusetts. Also, your attempt at French makes me want to rip your vocal chords out."

"Well, I had to embellish a little," I squeak out.

Kevin yells, "You live day to day and have all of your credit cards racked up! Your family won't help you anymore because you've trashed their credit rating too!"

Aleksandr adds, "Excuse me, what about my embellishment? Couldn't you have made me a composer on the level of Mozart or Bach?"

"Guys, focus," Jane interrupts, leaning over the table.

Aleksandr doesn't stop. "What about where we came from, how we got here? Did you tell her about that too?"

"Yes. We wished upon a chain mail and we ended up here, in a fictional version of the future."

"Oh, that's just bloody brilliant then. Why don't you just outline the entire plot of the entire series and then we can all just fuck off-" he waved his arm for emphasis "-and disappear into the background. No story, no adventure, no nothing!"

"What's wrong with enjoying our lives?" I ask.

"Gee, I don't know, how about we don't have any fucking lives here because this is Mass Effect! Literally the only reason to be here is to join Shepard on her adventures. If she thinks we're bonkers we might as well just walk out that door and leave!"

"What door?" Kevin asks, looking around and trying to find it. "You mean the airlock? Are you suggesting I space myself?"

"No, I'm saying Sandra should go space herself," Aleksandr says. He shouts at me, "Go space yourself!"

"Hey!" Shepard slams her hands onto the table, and I notice it deformed the plastic. "We're about to arrive at the Citadel. I still have questions, but for now you're going to follow me. _We'll see who's lying._ "

"Was that a threat?" Aleksandr asks.

"I think that was a threat," Kevin guesses.

"It was a threat," Shepard confirms. She stands up, glaring at each of us in turn. I wither and gulp because it's actually pretty scary. "Don't do anything fucking stupid."

Then she cracks a smile. "Nah, I'm just fucking with you."


	4. Instigating Saren, Part I

Constantly switching between US English, UK English, and Canadian English was a pain in the ass when I originally wrote this. I fully expect to slip up now.

This is the last new chapter posted on Spacebattles but not here. It's all new (ish) content from here on out.

* * *

 **4: Instigating Saren, Part One**

 _ **Kevin**_

"You should all come up to the cockpit," Shepard suggests, standing up. "We'll get an excellent view of the Citadel when we arrive."

"Isn't it like, top secret up there?" Aleks asks.

Shepard shrugs. "Eh, it's fine. You've probably already taken pictures of the entire ship and sold them to the Russians anyway. Nobody has really cared about that kind of thing since 2017 or so."

We're halfway up the actually pretty long stairs now, and Shepard waves her hand in front of the door, which opens.

If the crew deck was a surprise because it was so different, the CIC is a surprise because it's so the same. There's the door to the comm room with the weird guy in front of it, the fancy holographic galaxy map, the tunnel of fire control stations, and the cockpit way at the front.

We form a line and walk through. Several crewmembers salute Shepard as she passes, and she dismissively sloppy-salutes them back.

"We should be dropping out now, Commander." Ah, Seth Green as Joker. Whoever says there's no physical resemblance has obviously never seen a comparison. But the Mass Effect movie is stuck in development hell anyway. Now that we're in the future, we should go see if it ever came out.

Oh, wait. I guess that won't work.

"So, uh, how are we gonna see anything, since there's no windows?" Aleks asks.

Shepard says nothing, but grabs what looks like a remote off one of the consoles, points it at the front of the ship, and presses a button. A projection screen rolls down in front of Joker, and a projector lights up somewhere behind us. It displays the Dell logo for a few seconds before it selects the right input and completes auto-adjustment.

"Dropping out now!" Joker informs us. I feel a slight lurch as we drop out.

The screen is playing... the cutscene from the game. So, that's the Normandy, that's us, and that's the Citadel. What the hell? And there's that epic music, too. I mean, I like the music, but it seems odd to me that there's actual background music playing.

Reusing the cutscene straight up is pretty lazy. You could at least change the viewpoint and rerender the cutscene. I mean, it still has that stuff I couldn't tell if it was film grain or compression artifacts all over it. Seriously. This is like if I, as a fanfiction author, just grabbed an old story, threw in a few new lines and sold it as new.

"Huh," Shepard remarks. She fiddles with the remote a bit, changes the input to _DisplayPort 1_ and then the video changes to a feed that's presumably coming from the front of the ship. All right then. That's better. But no more epic music.

"Look at the size of that ship!" Ash remarks, pointing at the unwieldly looking thing that we all know as the flagship of the asari fleet.

I must say, the Destiny Ascension is more impressive from here. It looks less like it was designed by mentally challenged retards and more like it was designed by showmen... showwomen... showasari.

"That's the Destiny Ascension, is it not?" Aleks asks semi-rheotorically.

"Yeah. The flagship of the Citadel fleet," Kaidan replies. "Not to be confused with the Destiny or the Ascension."

He points to two other ships, one that looks like a pizza wedge that was thrown into someone's backpack at some point and the other that comes from the author's original verse that literally nobody cares about.

"Well, size isn't everything," Joker comments.

"Why so touchy, Joker?" Ash teases.

"I'm just saying, you need firepower, too!"

"Look at that monster! Its main gun could rip through the barriers on any ship in the Alliance fleet!"

Speaking of which, where is the main gun on the Destiny Ascension? Lots of people think it's the centre hole, but that makes no sense because it's far too large and far too short. My theory is that it's in the longer of the four arms, but it's still a retard design.

"Good thing it's on our side, then," Kaidan replies to Ash's comment.

"Yesterday's enemies are today's recruits," Jason mutters.

"No kidding, huh." That was Ash again.

"Citadel Control, this is SSV Normandy," Joker begins, presumably no longer talking to us. Wait, isn't he the pilot? Why is he playing the role of comm officer? "Requesting permission to land."

Something completely alien and unintelligible comes out of the speaker. I assume that it's a response in some alien language.

"Roger, Alliance tower. Normandy out." Right. Translators.

"Aw, shit!" the younger Shepard remarks. Her voice sounds familiar. It sounds kind of like Shepard, but different. More edgy. More gritty. Yet in a way, softer at the same time.

"Hey, who's got a voice that's edgier and grittier than Jennifer Hale?" I ask randomly.

"Liam Neeson?" Jason suggests.

"Well, duh," I reply. "No, I meant, broadly similar, and, you know, female, but edgier and grittier and softer."

"Grittier and softer?" Aleks asked.

I shrug. "Kind of."

"Grittier and softer."

"Yes!"

Sandra objects, "Guys, I don't think we should be trying to find voice actors for people," but we just ignore her.

Aleks ponders it for a moment. "Laura Bailey."

That sounds right. "Yes! Thank you! Mini-Shepard is voiced by Laura Bailey."

"I have a name, you know," mini-Shepard interrupts.

Jason ignores her. "You sure? I'm not hearing the Boss here."

I argue, "She's got a lot of range, though. She did Julie Farkas and Carrie Boyd in New Vegas."

Aleks asks as a quiet aside, "Laura Bailey is in New Vegas?"

"And Lady Comstock in Bioshock Infinite," I point out.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, listen!" Dear god mini-Shepard, please don't say that ever! "You can't meet the Council dressed like that. We've got to get you some nicer clothes."

"Just do what my sister says," Shepard orders, lightly but frighteningly. "I've got to go get changed too."

"So who wants to go first?" Mini-Shepard asks.

Jason immediately remarks, "First? Is this some kind of fashion bullshit?"

* * *

 _ **Aleksandr**_

I held up the offered uniform against my current beige trousers and button-up shirt, viewing my own reflection in the wall-mounted mirror. "These are not nicer. This is an Alliance uniform with the patches ripped off."

Melia replied, "Sorry. That's all I could find. It's a pretty small ship."

"It's not even a dress uniform," I pointed out. "It's like, a tee shirt and cargo pants, kind of a charcoal grey colour. I don't see how this is terribly different from what I'm wearing."

"It's the _style_. It doesn't look a hundred years out of date. Just put it on."

"Fine. But as soon as we're done your Alliance business, I'm changing back into my old clothes." And buying some new ones if I fogt the chance. "Now turn around."

"Why?" Melia teased. "I like women, remember?"

"That was Jason, not me!" I retorted. Seriously, why I am getting the blame for that? "Besides, maybe you like both. Just turn around already."

"Fine." She turned around to face the door. After a moment, she added, "I actually do like girls though. Every good cast has to have a member like me, after all."

I was tempted to point out what an awkward metaphor that was, but I figured I might as well get some information out of her while we were there. I opened with a simple proposition, "I didn't know Shepard had a sister."

"How could you not know that?" she... well, not quite shrieked, but she sounded a touch shocked and annoyed. "Miss Elysium 81? Miss Navy 82?"

"I don't really follow that sort of thing."

"Ah." That sounded a little too understanding-

"No, I'm not queer!" I objected. "I'm just not overly interested in models and that sort of thing. No offence intended."

"I never suggested you were homosexual."

I attempted to change the subject, "So, how old are you?"

"Why do you aks?" Actually, that was a good question. I realized immediately after I said it how bad it sounded.

I replied defensively, "It's necessary exposition."

"Nineteen."

"Is that legal here?" Oh bloody hell, I've dug myself even deeper. "I mean, like, can you join the military and be a- what rank are you?"

"Yes, seventeen is generally legal age for humans, and I'm a Lieutenant."

"A Lieutenant in two years?" I asked. I don't know much about the military. For all I knew, that could be the bottom of the ladder in the Alliance. "Is that possible?"

"With great difficulty," Melia replied.

"And Miss Navy?"

"And Miss Navy."

"That's still a thing?"

"That's still a thing."

"I can see how you managed that," I replied. I didn't get an answer.

"Are you done yet?" she asked, annoyed. Did I step over a line?

I turned around and replied, "Actually, I've been done for quite some time now. I was just rather enjoying this expository dialogue."

* * *

 _ **Jason**_

"Look, I don't give a shit about your exposition," I growl. "Give my the fucking clothes and I'll put them on."

"Don't you at least want to hear about me?" Mini Shepard asks, passing me a stack of clothes anyway.

"Not really."

She ignored me. "My name is Melia Shepard-"

 _Helia. I knew a Helia once. She was... a bit of a problem, that one. Got her whole crew banned from shore leave when she "accidentally" activated the command override._

Melia, not Helia.

 _Never mind them. Did you know-_

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I shout, realizing a second later that I had done it out loud.

Mini Shepard raises her hands, shocked and defensive. "Alright, I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry."

"Not you," I tell her. "The voices. People I left behind in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"Wow, you should seek help."

I laugh. "Help? There's no fucking help. If you're lucky, they'll give you some pills- the wrong pills. Fucking system's a joke."

"You could talk to me," Melia offers gently.

 _I think she likes you._

I ignore the voice and brush her off. "What, you the ship's fucking councilor too?"

"Not officially."

"Alright Deanna Troi, what do you want to hear?"

She raises a confused eyebrow at the reference.

 _You're not going to talk to her, are you?_

Taking advantage of the momentary pause, I reply, "You know what, fuck it. I never said I would answer."

 _You're going to have to answer eventually. We both know that._

* * *

 _ **Kevin**_

"Oh, that felt so good."

Melia stands up, wiping her mouth. "Well, that was fast."

"I am fast," I reply, zipping up my pants and putting my belt back on.

"We should do this again sometime."

* * *

 _ **Sandra**_

"So, how do I look?" I ask, stepping out from behind the privacy screen.

"You look stunning," Melia replies, motioning to the mirror.

I take a look and gasp. The dress is a beautiful silky black. It hugs my curves perfectly. The dress is strapless and cut to expose just a tease of my breasts, with more of my back exposed. As I move, it moves with me, the fabric shimmering slightly as it stretched.

"Gloves." She hands me a pair of matching gloves, which I pull on. These are made of the same material and come up just past my elbows. They stretch effortlessly, and they're so thin it's like I'm not even wearing them.

"Now try the shoes." Melia passes me a pair of six-inch stilettos. They're also black, to match the dress, but made of a synthetic leather. It's not like the synthetics we had before- I wouldn't be able to tell it's fake at all if Melia hadn't told me. I quickly pull them on.

"Let's show the crew."

"Sounds good." I can't wait to see the look on those boys' faces when they see me like this.

Melia opens the door and holds it open for me. I take two wobbly steps in the heels, trip over the hem of my dress, and do a faceplant into the steel deck. "Ow."

I can feel the shoes being pulled off my feet. "You know what, on second thought, I don't think the dress is a good idea. Let me get you something more practical."

I roll over so my face isn't against the cold metal. "That would be great, thanks."

* * *

 _ **Jason**_

"Sandra's still in there," Kevin says, pointing out the obvious.

"Eh, she's a girl. It takes them a long time to get changed. Got to pretty themselves up and fucking shit like that."

Aleks glares at me. "You know, I'm not sure if you could be more misogynistic if you tried."

 _He's right. That was incredibly offensive. Very backward of you._

Well, aren't you just a lovely SJW. Triggered?

 _My people have long since moved beyond that as well._

What the fuck are you? The ghost of an ex and too many sci-fi movies?

Great, so now I have a voice in my head that _isn't_ a buddy I watched die. Maybe the future is making me crazy.

"Hey Kevin, what happened in there?" I ask, trying to get my mind of that. Him and Mini Shepard were in there a while, and I heard some funny noises.

"I got changed," he replies, as if stating the obvious.

"Is that what you call it?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to."

"Come on, man, did you bang?"

"I didn't do anything like that. We didn't even kiss." Kevin protests shiftily. "I don't even know her."

 _Something happened in there. But I don't think it's what you're thinking._

We couldn't take anymore, because the door to Mini Shepard's quarters opened and Sandra stepped out.

"How do I look?" she asked, embarrassed. At least, I think that's embarrassment.

"When Melia said she was going to dress you up nice, I thought she meant like a dress or a pantsuit or something," Aleks comments. "Not combat armor."

"Shut up."

"When the bullets start flying, I'm gonna use you as a shield, eh," Aleks jokes. "Maybe I can rest my gun on your shoulder, kind of fire over you and use you as a stand at the same time."

Sandra folds her armored arms. "That's not funny. Don't joke about that."

Aleks tries to make light of the situation. "At least there's no helmet-"

"Actually, it folds out if you press this button," Mini Shepard helpfully informs, pressing a button on Sandra's arm. A helmet unfolds over her head, and she presses the button again, glaring at Mini Shepard.

"I don't want to get into a fight. Not even with this on." She pauses. "I know, I know, it's inviting it now."

"Oh, it's not so bad," I reassure her. "Just moments of stark terror followed by long periods of intense boredom. Oh, and occasionally your buddy dies horribly and it keeps you awake at night."

"Wow, you're reassuring," Aleks says, elbowing me.

"You know, Shepard's already halfway to the Council chambers," Joker points out over the intercom, interrupting us.

"Oh, shit!" I shout, bolting for the airlock. The rest of the group isn't far behind me.

* * *

 **The Citadel**

"I read the Eden Prime report. I was unimpressed. It was full of spelling and grammatical errors, suffered from poor flow and word choice, was not double spaced. But what can you expect from a human?"

"Hey, fuck you, turian doesn't even have punctuation!" Jason shouted, running up behind Shepard. Kevin and Aleks were right behind him. Sandra was nowhere to be found.

"I don't know him," Shepard said, motioning to the Marine. It was only sort of a lie. She turned back to the Council. "Saren despises humanity. That's why he attacked Eden Prime!"

"Your species needs to learn its place, Shepard," Saren retorted. "You're not ready to join the Council. You're not even ready to join the Spectres."

Behind Shepard, the three new arrivals struggled not to laugh.

"He has no right to say that!" Udina protested. "That's not his decision!"

The Asari Councillor turned to Saren. Diplomatically and professionally, she pointed out. "Shepard's admission to the Spectres is not the purpose of this meeting."

"This meeting has no purpose," Saren argued. "The humans are wasting your time, Councillor. And mine."

"Hanging clause," Aleks pointed out.

"What?" Saren asked.

"You used a hanging clause. Grammatical incorrectness and all that."

"I don't think that's what it's called," Kevin pointed out.

"He's a bloody turian!" Aleks jabbed back. "How in the name of God is he going to know that?"

"Who are these people?" Saren asked, narrowing his beady eyes.

"These are stowaways we found aboard the Normandy," Anderson exposited. "We believe they came aboard on Eden Prime, but we haven't had time to question them yet."

"How did you get up here, past security?" Udina asked angrily.

Kevin scratched his neck. "That's actually a very good question."

"You can't hide behind the Council forever," Shepard retorted, redirecting everyone's attention to Saren.

He cleared his throat, or at least approximated it as much as a turian could. "I stand before the Council, not behind them. Literally."

"It was a metaphor!"

"There is one more outstanding issue," Anderson added. "Commander Shepard's vision. It may have been triggered by the beacon."

"Are we allowing dreams as evidence now?" Saren asked. "No, I'm serious. If dreams are now admissible as evidence, it would make my job a _lot_ easier."

"Our judgement must be based on facts and evidence," the Turian Councillor said, shutting his countryman down. "Not wild imaginings and reckless speculation."

Shepard countered, "Can we consider the vision a set of alternative facts?"

The turian ground his mandibles together.

"Do you have anything _useful_ to add, Commander?" the Salarian Councillor growled.

She threw her hands up in the air. "You know what? You've made your decision. I won't waste my breath."

The Turian and Asari Councillors shared a look and nodded. The asari said, "The Council has found no evidence of involvement between Saren and the Geth-"

"What a load of fucking bullshit!" Jason shouted, interrupting her.

She glared at him and continued. "Ambassador, your petition to have him disbarred from the Spectres is denied."

"I'm glad to see justice was served," Saren said menacingly before his hologram fizzled away.

"This meeting is adjourned," the Asari Councillor finished, and the gathering of humans turned and walked away toward the staircase, dejected. Udina stayed and queued up sad music on his omni-tool.

* * *

 _ **Sandra**_

I can hear that the hearing is over. Everyone else should be coming down the staircase now. Shepard is first, and she stops when she sees me. Kevin, who is right behind her, nearly bowls into her.

"Sandra?" she asks, looking straight at me. Those eyes... boring into me!

I turn away and ask meekly, "Is it safe to come out now?"

"Sandra, what the hell?" Kevin asks. "You were here the whole time?"

"Can we please get this moving?" I beg, standing up. I was going to follow them, but seeing Saren and the Council... it was so intimidating! I didn't think I could face them, so I just sat down here and waited.

"Fine," Shepard replies. I follow her down the staircase, and we form a gaggle at the bottom.

"-to exterminate the entire human race!" Anderson finishes, apparently talking to nobody.

"We were up there," Shepard told him, pointing. "I know. Saren's evil. You talk about it all the time. What's our next step?"

"As a Specter, he's virtually untouchable," Udina explained redundantly explained. "We need to find some way to expose him."

"What about Garrus?" I suggest. Garrus is my favorite character. He's just so adorable and awesome. Of all the things in this universe I'm looking forward to it's meeting Garrus!

"Who?" Udina asks.

"The C-Sec investigator," Kaidan explains. "We saw him arguing with the executor."

"Hey, wait, Sandra wasn't there," Kevin points out.

Aleks hits him in the shoulder.

"What the hell was that for?" Kevin asks, glaring at Aleks.

"That's right. He was asking for more time to finish his report," Ash adds. "Seems like he was close to finding something on Saren."

"Any idea where we could find him?" Shepard asks. Oh boy, more dialog ripped straight from the game!

"I have a contact in C-Sec who could help us track Garrus down," Udina adds helpfully. Helpful Udina... if only he kept doing that instead of being an idiot and a jerk ninety percent of the time. Oh, and a traitor. "His name is Harkin."

"Forget it," Anderson dismisses. "They suspended Harkin last month. Drinking on the job. I won't waste my time with him."

"You won't have to. Shepard will handle this." Poor Anderson kind of gets a raw deal. First he loses his ship, then he becomes councilor... then he loses councilor, then he dies. "I don't want the Council using your past history against us."

"Yeah, I'm not gonna waste my time on him either," Shepard concurs. "Maybe there's another way to find evidence against Saren."

"Barla Von!" I blurt out without thinking.

"Barla Von what?" Aleks asks.

"Barla von Volus. He's an information broker," Anderson explains. "You should talk to him over in the financial district. Rumor has it he's an agent for the Shadow Broker. One of the top representatives, even."

"Expensive, though. Even more expensive than Sha'ira," Udina mentions. "And she is _very_ expensive. Or, uh, or so I'm told."

"Ew," someone mutters.

"I should go," Shepard says, concluding the conversation. Oh, if only she knew how many memes and jokes that would spawn.

"I'll be in the Ambassador's office if you need me," Anderson replies. "Good luck, Shepard."

Shepard turns to us. "So, we have two seemingly viable leads. Harkin and Barla von Volus."

"I thought you said you weren't going to waste your time on Harkin?" I ask.

"You're right," Shepard replies, a hint of an evil grin on your face. "That's exactly what I said. You, on the other hand-"

"Oh, hell no."

"Look, I don't know who the hell you are," Shepard says seriously. "I don't know if you're crazy or if you're telling the truth. I don't know what you're capable of. I don't know how much you know, or if it's going to be useful. Basically, I need you to prove yourselves."

"This is not a self-insert cliche at all," Aleks remarks snidely.

"So here's how we're going to do it. You four are going to go investigate Harkin. I'm going to go ask Barla von Volus for information and pay for it with Udina's expense account. After you get some evidence, we can talk."

Before we can object to her stupid crazy plan, she grabs Ash and Kaidan and makes a beeline for the elevator.


End file.
